September 1 Alone Again

Monday:  I dropped my brother off at the airport at 3:00 Monday afternoon and it was difficult to hold the tears back. So instead of suppressing them, I just cried. David gave me a nice, long hug and then he had to go ... and I drove away ... back home to my house ... alone once again.

Now before you think I am going into a pathetic pity party that is totally unwarranted, let me just give you a few facts: I am now 72. I was first married to Jim (who, by the way, I loved deeply and married him in good faith) but from the first week of our marriage, I realized I would have to take care of him--what I mean is: I would have to be his emotional support in a big way. He was not the sort of person you gave a "Honey Do" list to. He had a very brilliant mind, but not for practical things.

My second marriage (the worst decision I have ever made) was to Don, who although highly capable in all things regarding repair and maintenance, was IN CHARGE of everything as far as household stuff was concerned (especially if there was a $ cost involved); however, not if it was important to me or something I wanted to have done. There was no "Honey Do" list for him, because he simply did whatever he wanted to do whenever he wanted to do it.

Those two marriages represent approximately 29 years of my adult life. The other 25 years I have been UNMARRIED--which was/is much better than actually being married as far as my mental and physical health is concerned; but still, I am alone.

I struggle sometimes with loneliness--not all the time--not to the point of despair or anything. And mostly I do okay with it--really, I do! I think being around my brother, David, just makes me wish I had married someone similar to him. Too late! Not going to happen!

I love David because he is: (1) of SOUND MIND. I don't know a lot of people I can say that about. (2) He is almost always pleasant in demeanor, and quite easy to get along with. We have never had any "scraps" or misunderstandings between us. I don't think we have ever had an argument that wasn't friendly. We can easily "agree to disagree" when necessary. (3) We share a love of and for the Lord. We talk about Him a lot when we are together. We compare things we are learning in Scripture. I love this fellowship we share so much. I often learn things of the Lord from David, and I am super thankful for this. (4) He is a lot of fun to be with. He is active and ready to go! He likes to have a good time. I absolutely love to laugh with him. Yes. Yes. Yes. There are many other reasons I love this brother of mine--but enough for now.

David and I like to play Parchesi because ... we grew up playing it! We have such a riot playing this game, and usually I LOSE. However, this past weekend, our games totaled up to FIVE wins for me, and ONE win for David. Highly unusual. Here is the look on his face as I beat him AGAIN.

Here are the shoes David leaves at my house for future visits. These are in need of a little tender loving care before I put them away--they had gotten quite wet when he was power washing my house. I took one look at them as I walked through the door of my house and burst into tears. Having never lost anyone I love to dying (I am serious), sometimes it's difficult for me to envision what that would be like ... until I think of one of my sons or grandkids ... but David definitely ranks up there with people that I love the most.

This is a little quote attributed to Winnie the Pooh (who is completely fictional!):

If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.

As I opened my Bible Tuesday morning (still intermittently crying), I asked the Lord to help me with this loneliness I was experiencing. I've finished reading the entire Bible through this year except for the Psalms and Proverbs; so I started reading a few Psalms per day a few weeks ago. 

Today I was on Psalm 75 ... and listen to the very first verse:

"We thank You, O God! We give thanks because YOU ARE NEAR."  Webster defines "near" as: "close to; not far away, close at hand, intimate." How kind of the Lord to have this Psalm be the very one I would read this morning. The LORD IS near. He has promised "never to leave me or forsake me." My heart is deeply comforted by this truth, so I am going to LIVE IT. Thank you, Lord. Thank you that You see my tears, know my heart, and love me still.