June 27 A much better day

Tuesday:  A week has gone by since I had these little ones, and I have to confess that it's been a tough week for me. I searched my heart, and cried a LOT of tears. I found that I was dreading today with every-thing in me, which made me terribly sad. I did a LOT of praying, asking the Lord to show me WHY I was so sad, depressed and anxious. I believe He did answer those prayers, so that at least by Monday afternoon I could identify what "triggered" these last days of depression and a feeling of hopelessness. It has given me a more urgent reason to pray for Dylan and Kelly in these difficult days of raising children.

I mentioned in my last Tuesday post that I'd had a "bad" incident with the kiddos while in the car. Too much screaming from Cal and too much provocation from Aidan, and subsequent noncompliance--I became overwhelmed and lost my temper. Yes, I did LOSE my temper. I didn't hit the kids or anything; but I was SO exasperated with them, and I was definitely NOT nice. All week I felt like such a failure, like I ought to have my grandma license revoked for the duration ...

I am thankful that "Christ's strength is made perfect in weakness." He has asked me to run to Him when I am troubled. He is faithful to forgive my lack of self-control and my over-anger. I didn't struggle with being overwhelmed with these guys' care until school was out and suddenly there were FOUR of them talking at me at once, needing my undivided attention, demanding what it was they wanted at any given moment. All through the school year when I only had Erin and Cal over at my house--it was exhausting, but NOT emotionally or mentally--just physically. Last Tuesday, I felt like an absolute nut-job and I couldn't forgive myself! That was the issue, along with a terror that I would repeat my bad behavior today! Lose it all over again!

I am happy to report that today went much more smoothly. I was on my guard (against myself!) and did small things to alleviate my emotional anxiety. First of all, I just dealt with one thing at a time instead of trying to do 2 or 3 things at once. Also, Jesse had given me a pair of headphones to use for my piano--the little kids loved wearing them while they were playing my piano, so that cut down on the noise level. Plus, I was super careful with what directives I gave to the children. You see, once an adult gives a "command" to a child, that adult needs to follow through and make sure the child has done what they've been asked to do. I kept it simple and was careful who I asked to do what.

I met Jen at the older 3's art class. She had Cal with her, and then the kiddos were finished with their class at 11:30. Look at their INCREDIBLE ART!!!

Their teacher is having them learn about INSECTS this week while they render their drawings. Today they were studying BUTTERFLIES. Tomorrow, they are going to study DRAGON FLIES! How cool is that?!

I love these drawings SO MUCH! Aren't children the BEST artists? Aidan explained to me that it was important to have a caterpillar in his picture because ... "how else could you have a butterfly, grandma?"

We drove to my house from their art class, about a 20 minute drive, with me praying the entire time that I would be able to handle the ruckus that comes with strapping three children in a crowded back seat, and listening to Brendan talk to me in the front seat while the littles are talking to me from the back seat, all the way home. We made it without incident. Thank you so much, Lord.

Erin and Aidan took turns with the headset. They loved having the volume as loud as they wanted (for a change) and were glad they weren't bothering anyone by playing! I feel the same way when I wear the headphones!

Flashlights are always a treat. Thankfully I have an ample supply of various lights to share. They get such a bang out of using them all over the house. It's midday here, so it was a trick getting the rooms dark enough, but we did everything possible to accomplish that, so it was an enjoyable time.

Look how grown up Brendan is becoming! My heart aches every time I SEE this ... the years have gone by so quickly. He was my "Little Fellow" for so long and I loved him with everything I had! The Lord blessed my life so much through his little heart. I am still blessed by him--by his gentleness and sensitivity.

These kiddos read books by flashlight for the longest time ... 

We drove back to their house at about 4:00 in the afternoon. Young Cal fell asleep in the car about five minutes after we were on the road. I was truly thankful for this because he gets extra grumpy in the late afternoon and really needs to sleep it off. I rewarded Erin and Aidan: If they could put up with Cal's verbal grumpiness until he fell asleep, they could have the carton of books to enjoy for the remainder of the ride to their house. They did great! Once Cal was sleeping, I handed them the book crate and they read all the way home. Aidan is an excellent reader! Brendan has been an excellent reader since a young age too. Erin will do the same as her brothers. Wonderful!

Thanks so much, Lord, for being STRONG for me today, helping me to be a better caretaker and more mentally healthy.