May 9 & 10 with my Emma, dear Emma

Saturday night/Sunday:  I cannot sum up this weekend with a few words--nor can I go into great detail--because some things are just too personal and too heartbreaking to share on this blog. And even though it is my personal photo journal ... I would not want to harm anyone by my words here--either now or in the future.

I'll begin by telling you about my NON-Kaity visit. I drove over to Di's to pick Kaity up at 3:00 Saturday afternoon. It turns out that Kaity had a headache! She came out to the car and talked with me for a few minutes. I had a headache too--which made us laugh! Mine was right in the middle of my forehead. Kaity's was more on the side of her head--kind of next to her left eye. She said she just wanted to go back inside and "watch her shows" and rest. I felt her head to see if it was hot--but it wasn't. I have told her for a long time now that if she ever doesn't WANT to come over and play, she certainly doesn't HAVE to. So, rather than make a fuss or disclose to her how sad my heart was over her not coming over for the afternoon, we just talked for a few more minutes about nothing much, and then she went back inside.

I drove back home and waited until about 7:15 to pick Emma up from Jesse. He and I had a phone conversation earlier in the day, so I knew this might be a tough 24 hours. The first hour or so that we were together was quiet and sad, but I had prayed long and hard about my time with Emma and God gave courage and strength and many opportunities for good conversation with this much-loved granddaughter. I am so thankful that God was with us and helped us speak honestly about really hard things. We broke up our talking with watching "Independence Day" which was fun to watch.

Sunday was Mother's Day--a much over-rated "holiday" which benefits probably only Hallmark and a few perfect mothers! Anyway, LAST Mother's Day Emma and I drove over to Grandville Cemetary to try to find Nana's grave. We looked for a very long time last Mother's Day without ever finding it OR Cookies grave! We decided to give it another try today and drove over after church--which by the way was wonderful (church)--the sermon, the music--the fact that Emma expressed a desire to sign-up for volunteer child care during one of the Sunday services (I signed up too!)--as well as our nice chat with Nigel and Gela. We ate a good lunch and then drove the 25 minutes over to the cemetary. We looked and looked and LOOKED. We NEVER found Cookie's grave or Nana's! Good grief.

We did have FUN in the graveyard, however. I LOVE graveyards and I always have! I was actually proposed to in the huge graveyard off of Leonard Street back in 1973--but that's a very long story that I won't tell right now. Emma and I read a lot of grave stones and found such interesting stuff! Look at the above headstone of Isabel and Maria! Both were married to H. F. Hilliard and both evidently died before him--who was this guy anyway? Isabel was 40 when she died, and Maria was 51! Perhaps H.F. was difficult to live with.

We drove back to my house where I decided to "message" my step-brother, David, to see if he could give me some landmarks that would help us locate his dad's grave--and THEN I would be able to find my mother's. David messaged right back! He said that if we found the Civil War monument, Cookie's grave was south of it while mom's was northeast of it. He gave some other directions as well. Emma and I hung out for awhile and ate again. It was a little after 6PM when I just really really REALLY wanted to drive back to the cemetary to see if we could follow David's directions and FIND THE GRAVES we've been looking for!

I can't believe how long we took just finding the Civil War monument--which ended up being HUGE with a nice flag flying on top. I should have taken a picture of it, but I didn't! We followed David's directions and look! We found Cookie's grave marker! I was SO relieved. I was beginning to wonder if I had the wrong cemetary!

I felt fairly certain that we could find mom's now! Afterall, it was only three years ago that I watched her being lowed six feet down! But do you think we could find it? YIKES. We looked and looked and looked! We combed the place! I felt certain, though, that I had walked over her grave a dozen different times--because the area looked exactly like it should be the correct place ... but ZERO marker! I decided then and there that I was going to contact Heritage (the funeral people) and find out where my mom's stone was placed! I plan to do that first thing Monday morning.

I took Emma back to Jesse with a heavy heart for her. I am planning on just pouring out my heart to the Lord for answers, asking that He will strengthen her faith, grow her heart in love with Him, meet her needs, give her HIS peace and heal her heart of the deep wounds that are there. Only God can change our hearts. Only He loves us enough to change us from the inside-out. Please, Lord, hear my prayers for Emma and for Jesse too.